marriage jokes

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man marries typical good-looking woman.
And after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,
and I don’t expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on table
unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.
I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing,
and card-playing when I want with my old buddies
and don’t you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules! Any comments?”
His new bride says, “No, that’s fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock
every night whether you’re here or not.”

(SHE’S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:
“Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever ”

“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:
“Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last”

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, “You’re no good in bed either!”
and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says
“What took you so long to answer the phone?”
She says, “I was in bed.”
“In bed this early, doing what?”
She says, “Getting a second opinion!”

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievements.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,
“Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it’s time to go home

and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home ‘Mother of Six?’

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion,
shouts right back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four.”

(DITTO!)


Marriage (Part V)

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM
for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.”
He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped! for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

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